I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
