You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
