if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
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