if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
