I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
