I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
