Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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