If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
