the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
babies were throwing up all over the place
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
