so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
