She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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