and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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