you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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