I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
