Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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