Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
