The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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