I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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