Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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