We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize