Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
