I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
