im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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