Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
