I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize