two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
