If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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