I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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