I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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