I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
