I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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