He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
