So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
