i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
