could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
