she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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