I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
