why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
