My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
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