My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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