I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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