Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
