yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
