just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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