Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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