sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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