i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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