She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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