Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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