My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It's never too late to be topless.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
