I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
