Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
