one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
