So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
