What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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