You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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